Soo... yea....

So lately i've been thinking. About what I really don't know. Just thinking about random things. How much I love life. How much I HATE going to those damn therapy sessions lol. It's a waste of money, and a waste of time. I mean like seriously, that's an hour that I could be out living my life and having fun but no i'm in there wasting my life staring at some person who doesn't know the first thing about me. Lol wow. So yea I hope that I can stop going to therapy soon because quite frankly i'm sick of wasting my money on this. I don't have a problem anymore. And no i'm not in denial. I don't think about suicide, I don't think about hurting myself, i'm happy. So why the heck am I still in therapy. I can assure you I have not repressed anything that is slowly eating at my heart detiorating it with every second that I hold it inside lol. I've learned to let go and take things as they come. Shit happens you just gotta live with it.

I STAND CORRECTED lol

And I thought all the cool people were gone in this world. *shakes head* well at least I found one cool person. Casey. lol I think I spelt that right. I was wrong once. and i'm blonde so.. :P

Lol Thank You Julianne!!! I'm addicted now!

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

You Should Try Roller Skiing

A little more dangerous than snow skiing But who cares when you can ski to the grocery store?

What Extreme Sport Should You Try?

Vertigo by U2

"The night is full of holes Those bullets rip the sky Of ink with gold They twinkle as the boys play rock and roll" In 2004 you partied so hard... you forgot how to count.

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door With more than a touch of geekiness

Who's Your Famous Blogger Twin?

Wow!

So in order for me to major in Human Services at Metro it's going to cost $3851.75 and that's not including the cost of books and gas and hell even car repairs lol j/k about the repairs. 108.5 credit hours. It's all mapped out and ready to go. 26 classes lol. Anyway it's 3am and I have to get up in 7 hours. So i'd better go get some sleep. Night all! Wow last thought. I'll be done in 2007... sweet!

How I Feel Right Now

Untitled by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

why

Why did I have to be so damn stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*( :*(

Thinking... Again...

Found this post in my drafts. Lol thought i'd post it. Wrote it a while ago.

I don't care if you need time away from me, I don't care if you're angry at me or even hate me, I can handle that, and I can accept that, but don't ever tell me that I wasn't your friend. That hurts. I never meant to hurt you, and i'm sorry if I did, more sorry than you'll ever know. You know that I don't ever want to hurt people and I don't aim to do that.

No this is not me saying hey lets forget about this and be friends again. I'm just trying to set things right. And hey if you do ever need me, even though we aren't friends anymore, you can still talk to me. Just know that you are never alone because no matter what i'm always there for you.

Goodbye

This is something I wrote while I was in 4-west.

locked in this place
there's no way out
they won't let me
they say i need help

it's time to let
the caskets go
no more memory
of the funeral home

but i'll never forget
your smiling face
no matter how long
they keep me in this place

i hope one day
i'll get to see your face
but maybe i'll see you soon
i too know what it's like
-to want to die

when i get out of here
i'll come and see you
but first i have to find
a way to say goodbye

not to my family
not to my friends
not to my life
but to you Cole
-i'll never forget

I Am Amused

So I found this old whatchamjigger thing plastic storage containers I guess. But I found this old notebook that Julianne and I used to write back and forth in like freshman year or something I think. But I found a bunch of quotes. And I just thought I'd share with ya'll the top 10.

10. When I saw you, I fell in love with you, and you smiled because you knew.
9. Sometimes you have to ignore your mind in order to get better
8. It's okay to lose yourself as long as you can find yourself again.
7. Hearts are often broken by the words left unspoken.
6. I don't hate her, I just hate the way you love her.
5. The worst way to love someone is to sit right next to them knowing you can't have them
4. The worst thing in life is to watch the one you love, love someone else.
3. If I could come back as one thing, it would be your tear. What could be better than being conceived in you heart, born in your eyes, and dying on your lips.
2. Every breath I take makes me sad because it proves I can live without you.

AND THE ALL TIME FAVORITE BEST QUOTE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!
1. I fling poo.

Why

If I didn't care then why does it hurt so bad.

List

I keep on forgetting the cds that I want to buy so i'm just going to write them down here as I remember them.

Greenday, Crossfade, Slipknot, Papa Roach

I hate it when my brain doesn't work. It drives me completely insane. And right now I can't use the blonde excuse because i'm not blonde right now. So now it think I shall use the it's 2:30am excuse. And because i'm naturally blonde I will probably forget that I wrote the names of the cds I want to get here. Yea so i'm out of words to type and things to say. I've only gone on this long because I like the sound of the keys when I type. ^_^ yes i'm a dork.

Old Times

So now i'm sitting here thinking about all the old times and all my old friends lol. Like old b-day parties, sleepovers, lol boy problems. And just sitting around doing nothing but listening to music or watching movies/tv. I'm remembering all the conversations I used to have with everyone. And now i'm realizing how much i've changed. If you really stop to think about it, i'm really not who I used to be. I guess i've actually grown up. A lot of my old friends are still their same old self, they've never grown up, they're still the same way they were when I met them seven years ago. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, i'm just saying that I really wish that at least one of them would have changed with me. It's a damn lonely world out here once reality hits. They haven't been hit with it yet. I was hit with it a long time ago lol. I mean like my old group of friends, I don't think we'd get along very well anymore anways. Hell I know that a couple of my friends (yes that means 2!) aren't virgins anymore and they just downright don't want anyone to know about it because I guess something horrible would happen if anyone ever found out. Like their friends would judge them or something. Well if your friends judge you for that then they're really not your friends. Friends love you for who you are. They don't care about what you do they care about you. And that's all that counts. If they judge you then screw them you don't need them anyway. You don't need people who only bring you down for a decision that you made. Hell i'll admit it, i'm not a virgin! Dun dun dunnnnn. Lol. Who really gives a flying fuck if i'm a virgin or not. I don't. It's not a big deal to me. I once told a friend of mine that something is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. And I really do believe that. I mean I understand that some people will be disappointed in me for it but it was my decision and I made it. So to all of those who disapprove. I DON'T CARE! Ha!! how do you like that!
:P and not that does not make me a whore :P
But hey that got off topic so back on track again.. well somewhat. 3am i'm not too bright lol. A lot of people just throw away friendships. And to tell you the truth it's really a sad thing. But to the whole it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. My best friend just recently got mad at me for something, she blew the whole thing out of proportion and now hey we aren't friends anymore I guess. But i'm not going to make some big huge deal out of it because I have other friends and i'm not going to let it get to me. I mean like i'll always be there for her whether she likes it or not because that's the kind of person I am. When i'm friends with someone they are always considered my friend in my heart. Yes people get pissed and mad at each other but it doesn't mean that you don't still care about them. There's a lot of people that I'm not friends with anymore. I'm still there for them. We've gone our seperate ways. From moving away to just plain moving apart but we still talk every now and then. And they know that i'm always here. One of them we can't stand each other, I strongly dislike her and she strongly dislikes me too but whenever one of us has a problem we still go to each other. Kind of awkward but lol hey it works! So if someone who I consider my friend decides i'm not their friend anymore i'm not gonna make a big deal out of it because hey it happens. If they really were a true friend they'll come back again, may take a while, but eventually they get over whatever the heck was initially bugging them in the first place but that's okay, because they got over it. Man i'd write more but it's 3am and I need sleep!!!!!!!!!!! Night all!

Not Quite Sure

Well i'm not too entirely sure on a title for this post. Hence what the title became lol. Anyway so yea it's 2am and I just got done running. I can't sleep. I just lay there thinking. My brain just won't stop working and it's gonna drive me insane. I think I drank way too much caffeine and now I can't sleep worth a damn. Maybe i'll run some more but more than likely not. I've been thinking a lot lately. What i've realized is that i've put myself through hell all these years. I haven't gotten anywhere in trying to find out why I am the way I am, why I don't know who I am. And i've come to a conclusion. The answer was simple. All i've ever wanted was love. I've been searching for something almost my whole damn life. I don't know who I am because I don't know how. I've put myself through hell trying to find out. I've put myself through hell because I don't know what love is. This whole post will probly not make any sense whatsoever b/c i'm so tired that I probly can't even figure out how to write a proper sentence. I'm so mad at myself. All this time, all these years i've been searching for that one thing, that one missing part of me. Never knew what it was. And all this time it was love. Some people would probly read that and say "well DUH" and what i'd say to those people is "WELL GEEZ COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE TOLD ME OR GIVEN ME A HINT OR SOMETHING!" you know instead of making me try and fine out for freaking almost 10 years. Sad thing is, that even though I know what it is that's missing, I don't want it. I'm in enough pain as it is. And love only causes pain. I don't need anymore pain. Bah humbug! Lol. I'm ranting at 2 in the morning. Yea so i'm seeing this therapist lady, every time I go there we just sit there and basically stare at each other. Quite interesting eh? Pay 30 bucks to sit there and stare at someone for an hour lol. I don't think she's gotten the hint yet that i'm not going to talk about my problems with her. My problems are my own, personal problems. I have to learn to sort them out by myself. Granted it did wind me up in the hospital a couple of times but when I was there I met people just like me, who understood me, who'd been through the same things that I have gone through and are going through the same. Some people were just like me. Talking with Carli, Maggee, and Mark was just like talking to myself. And the second time it was D'Andra, Eric, and Molly. Shit dude even some of the crazy people I could identify with. That's why i'm never going back. I will NEVER turn out like them lol. Dive bombing into walls is just not my thing. And those five point restraints, lets just say those don't look too inviting. Anyway i'm done with this post. On to the next!