Why

Why is it that when you say that something could never happen to you, it always does? Or at least why does it always happen to me?

So.. it's almost here..

The dreaded holiday Christmas is almost here. The holiday where all the family comes and you plaster a smile on your face while inside you're saying really horrible things about them. Christmas brings upon one thing I can ALWAYS count on every year. One big giant fight. Judy (my step-mother) will mention how little I ate at dinner. Then will start talking about college. Then will start talking about how I need a better job. And then how I need to get my life back on track, if it was ever on track in the first place. And then how my new job should have medical insurance. Last time my dad mentioned medical insurance my stepmother felt the need to make a stupid pun and said 'more like mental insurance.' That is when I decide to leave before I feel the need to blow my head off even more than I already do. I do not know why she constantly feels the need to rag on me but she always does. She should look at her own daughter. She's a freaking stoner alchoholic. But no she can't see it because Amy is just perfect. Now don't get me wrong or anything I love my sister to death. But seriously i'm not the only one with faults in the world. It's like I can never to anything right. EVER. But hey you know what I don't have any good points apparently. God forbid. My old friends think I was something that I was not. So hey why not start acting like they thought I was. Then they can really see what a backstabbing liar is. Hell she thinks I was tryign to turn her against her friends. I have so much shit on her that I could ruin every single one of her friendships for the rest of her life. But no I'M NOT LIKE THAT! Why does everyone think that i'm this horrible person. I swear i'm not. There's very few people in the world that know that. And those are the very few that stood by me through the hard times. The ones that are still here. They were the ones who listened to me when I was crying so hard over the phone. The first time anyone has heard me cry in years. No one has seen me cry in years. I don't cry. It's not who I am. I keep everything bottled up inside of me until I can't take it anymore. And that plays out to suicide because there's never anyone around when I need to talk.I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes because I don't know why I am the way I am. It's not normal to crave bottles of pills. It's not normal to have to practically tie yourself down at night because you want it so bad. But I WILL NOT go back to Immanuel. Ever again. If I do decide to kill myself ever again. I WILL do it right. There will be no coming back. I am NOT being sent to Norfolk. WHY DO I THINK LIKE THIS!?!?!?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL!!!!!!! Why do I want to die so much. How the hell did this post get off topic? That's an even better question. Oh well one of my many faults as my stepmother would be so glad to point out. God I wish Cole was here. It still doesn't seem right that he's gone. I miss him. And as the holidays come up I think about him even more. The other night when I wrote that last post I was thinking about him. I was listening to that song, it reminds me of him. And how much I wish I were with him. I guess a part of me thinks that if I die now I at least have a chance of seeing him again. But if I stay alive I have no chance of seeing him again. Now rereading that it's the stupidest thing i've ever said. I mean like who knows, I might have a son like Cole one day. May even look like him. With my luck he'd have a friend like Chase and Troy. Lol. And who could forget Dayne. Chase is going to be a daddy by the way. I'm so happy for him. He's not marrying the chick, he knocked her up. But he's taking full responsiblity for it, and is going to take care of her and the baby too. Speaking of babies. I have my sons name picked out. I will fight to the death on this one and in the end i'll win. His name is going to be Colton-Bradley. Just realized it's 1:30am. This post is really long. I'm supposed to be getting lunch with my best friend today. But I have absolutely no idea what the hell time that is going to be. And I also just realized my mom is still up. She goes to sleep at like 10 lol. Maybe it's because her boyfriend is here. I dunno. Anyway i'm gonna go. If I can't sleep maybe i'll write more.

Oh one more thing. Saw these on the back of a truck today. They're totally awesome!
Omaha- the tax me city!
Nebraska- the taxtime state!

view from heaven

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye

Lol

So Tiffany and I are going Christmas shopping tonite. Well not really shopping. Just more like 'browsing.' I can't shop until friday when payday comes. It's gonna be awesome. We're shopping for four little kids. I can't wait.

Update.

I'm changing a setting to this blog. You will have to have the exact address to get here. So the only people who will be able to get here that I know of are Julie, and Tiffany.

From Stephanie

I was talking to my friend Stephanie today and she said something that really made me understand things better. She was talking about her best friend. Same thing happened to her that happened to me.
"I still miss her, but we are not like each other any more after I've seen so much of a world she has never seen. She has a privilaged shallow point of view, while I know pain."
This is true for me too. I've realized that i've changed. I've seen so much of the world that no one else has seen or even been through. Therefore people do not understand my suicide attempts. Some think it childish and immature. But it is not. Once you've gone through what i've gone through and seen some of the things that i've seen you'd want to kill yourself too. Yes i'll admit i've changed, but at least i'm not naive.

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