Not Quite Sure

Well i'm not too entirely sure on a title for this post. Hence what the title became lol. Anyway so yea it's 2am and I just got done running. I can't sleep. I just lay there thinking. My brain just won't stop working and it's gonna drive me insane. I think I drank way too much caffeine and now I can't sleep worth a damn. Maybe i'll run some more but more than likely not. I've been thinking a lot lately. What i've realized is that i've put myself through hell all these years. I haven't gotten anywhere in trying to find out why I am the way I am, why I don't know who I am. And i've come to a conclusion. The answer was simple. All i've ever wanted was love. I've been searching for something almost my whole damn life. I don't know who I am because I don't know how. I've put myself through hell trying to find out. I've put myself through hell because I don't know what love is. This whole post will probly not make any sense whatsoever b/c i'm so tired that I probly can't even figure out how to write a proper sentence. I'm so mad at myself. All this time, all these years i've been searching for that one thing, that one missing part of me. Never knew what it was. And all this time it was love. Some people would probly read that and say "well DUH" and what i'd say to those people is "WELL GEEZ COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE TOLD ME OR GIVEN ME A HINT OR SOMETHING!" you know instead of making me try and fine out for freaking almost 10 years. Sad thing is, that even though I know what it is that's missing, I don't want it. I'm in enough pain as it is. And love only causes pain. I don't need anymore pain. Bah humbug! Lol. I'm ranting at 2 in the morning. Yea so i'm seeing this therapist lady, every time I go there we just sit there and basically stare at each other. Quite interesting eh? Pay 30 bucks to sit there and stare at someone for an hour lol. I don't think she's gotten the hint yet that i'm not going to talk about my problems with her. My problems are my own, personal problems. I have to learn to sort them out by myself. Granted it did wind me up in the hospital a couple of times but when I was there I met people just like me, who understood me, who'd been through the same things that I have gone through and are going through the same. Some people were just like me. Talking with Carli, Maggee, and Mark was just like talking to myself. And the second time it was D'Andra, Eric, and Molly. Shit dude even some of the crazy people I could identify with. That's why i'm never going back. I will NEVER turn out like them lol. Dive bombing into walls is just not my thing. And those five point restraints, lets just say those don't look too inviting. Anyway i'm done with this post. On to the next!